Today began exactly like most days. Wherever I slept last night is the place I need to leave. It is hot outside. I am 54 yrs old. I feel tired..sick. After more than 2 yrs of homelessness, I am numb. I use a donated bus ticket to go where other homeless people are. They share information about where or how to get food. I go into buildings to get water if it is available. The day is a repeat of many, many days before. I feel hopeless. Don't know how to climb out by now. The streets are my home. I need a shower, but have no place to do that and no hygiene products. I used to be so attractive. Would never leave home without having my hair and make up done...clothes clean and appearance was manicured. Now, when I see myself in the mirror, I don't recognize me.
I am vulnerable as a homeless person, especially because I am female. I have not been assaulted, but have been ridiculed and been afraid.
Today is more of the same. Survival is primary concern.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Pay it forward
Across the country, homelessness is rampant. Many, including myself have been laid off their jobs and have never recovered. I have been homeless for nearly 2.5 yrs. The goal of this blog is to let the homeless be heard and allow others to see this debilitating social problem. I go to libraries to use the computer. Today, I decided to put a voice to my loss of home and hope. Please read my blog and leave comments. Pay forward whatever you learn here..it is the only way to raise awareness.
Personal experience
I left college 6 years ago with 96 credit hours toward a BS in Psychology. I felt that degree was going to be our ticket to a better life. Then my financial aid ran out. I have not been able to finish the 6 classes I need to graduate..the dream I held so close. I am proficient in computer skills, articulate, tenacious and intelligent. None of this has equated with hope for me since I lost my job and then my chance to finish my degree.
Education, community support, and many other factors play into recovering from homelessness.
I cannot express strongly enough the impact this has had on my and my son's life. We've been separated. I wanted him to go to college. I wanted to give him all that I didn't have growing up. And for a long time, I did. But when my employer, a local window and siding company, handed down my lay off, it set into motion a chain of events that led us to where we are today.
For me, depression has set in. I no longer feel a part of the real world. Optimism is fading. Prayers go unanswered.
My story is not atypical. I have spoken to so many homeless persons in our city. Their stories vary, but the theme is the same. Good people who have somehow managed to survive. Many say they exist, but don't live. I relate to that.
I want to help them, if I ever get back to a home, job and a real life.
My time on this computer is almost up.
I hope if you have read my story, you will care more about the homeless and maybe even take steps in your own community.
And if you have read all that I have written here, I thank you for your interest. It means more than one person can imagine.
Education, community support, and many other factors play into recovering from homelessness.
I cannot express strongly enough the impact this has had on my and my son's life. We've been separated. I wanted him to go to college. I wanted to give him all that I didn't have growing up. And for a long time, I did. But when my employer, a local window and siding company, handed down my lay off, it set into motion a chain of events that led us to where we are today.
For me, depression has set in. I no longer feel a part of the real world. Optimism is fading. Prayers go unanswered.
My story is not atypical. I have spoken to so many homeless persons in our city. Their stories vary, but the theme is the same. Good people who have somehow managed to survive. Many say they exist, but don't live. I relate to that.
I want to help them, if I ever get back to a home, job and a real life.
My time on this computer is almost up.
I hope if you have read my story, you will care more about the homeless and maybe even take steps in your own community.
And if you have read all that I have written here, I thank you for your interest. It means more than one person can imagine.
The way it is
Last night, I saw my 20 year old son who, like myself, is also homeless. He has worked at the same job for nearly 3 years and still earns only 8.00 per hour. He wants to go to Job Corp. , but was told he made too much money. He wanted to go there to have a bed to sleep in and to learn a new skill to get a better job. He carries a duffle bag with him wherever he goes. It contains his only belongings. He reads college level books from the library to educate himself. He walks to work and some days, he doesn't have money to eat.
When we were able to connect last night, I was both thrilled and heartbroken to see him. As we embraced, my tears rolled onto his ragged T shirt. There are no words to describe how it feels for us to be homeless and to see this good kid living this way. I realized in this crystallized moment that this problem will not go away..we may never see our dream of having a home and being together.
Although I have truly done nothing wrong, the guilt and pain of seeing my son live this way was overwhelming. I felt I had failed him miserably.
I am a white, 54 yr old female. I have no health care, save the few emergency room visits I have made. With no insurance or money, I know my lifespan will decrease as the years pass. I have applied for Medicaid 3 times, and been denied. I can't even get food stamps because I don't have a permanent address.
I move from couch to couch, sometimes sleeping in the park. I have no transportation, so it is difficult to get from place to place.
We speak of our dreams, which are to have a house again and work and be together. We have hope. At least that is what I tell him. The truth is, I feel little hope after all this time. I feel broken and ostracized. I am definately not the same person I was 5 years ago, when we had a home, security and were together. I didn't fully realize then how priceless that was.
I want to raise awareness about homelessness and collateral consequences in Indianapolis and across the country. It is a sad, complicated, overwhelming and seemingly futile life.
If you read this blog, whatever you take from it, pay it forward. It is the only way I have of sharing my experiences and perhaps, seeing change for myself and others.
I ask for prayers and positive thoughts for myself and my son as we travel this journey without shelther.
Last night, I saw my 20 year old son who, like myself, is also homeless. He has worked at the same job for nearly 3 years and still earns only 8.00 per hour. He wants to go to Job Corp. , but was told he made too much money. He wanted to go there to have a bed to sleep in and to learn a new skill to get a better job. He carries a duffle bag with him wherever he goes. It contains his only belongings. He reads college level books from the library to educate himself. He walks to work and some days, he doesn't have money to eat.
When we were able to connect last night, I was both thrilled and heartbroken to see him. As we embraced, my tears rolled onto his ragged T shirt. There are no words to describe how it feels for us to be homeless and to see this good kid living this way. I realized in this crystallized moment that this problem will not go away..we may never see our dream of having a home and being together.
Although I have truly done nothing wrong, the guilt and pain of seeing my son live this way was overwhelming. I felt I had failed him miserably.
I am a white, 54 yr old female. I have no health care, save the few emergency room visits I have made. With no insurance or money, I know my lifespan will decrease as the years pass. I have applied for Medicaid 3 times, and been denied. I can't even get food stamps because I don't have a permanent address.
I move from couch to couch, sometimes sleeping in the park. I have no transportation, so it is difficult to get from place to place.
We speak of our dreams, which are to have a house again and work and be together. We have hope. At least that is what I tell him. The truth is, I feel little hope after all this time. I feel broken and ostracized. I am definately not the same person I was 5 years ago, when we had a home, security and were together. I didn't fully realize then how priceless that was.
I want to raise awareness about homelessness and collateral consequences in Indianapolis and across the country. It is a sad, complicated, overwhelming and seemingly futile life.
If you read this blog, whatever you take from it, pay it forward. It is the only way I have of sharing my experiences and perhaps, seeing change for myself and others.
I ask for prayers and positive thoughts for myself and my son as we travel this journey without shelther.
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